Thankful.

I am so incredibly thankful lately. It’s my favorite mood. Thankful thoughts are my favorite thoughts that I toss in my head as I talk to God on my way to work. It’s the greatest joy, I’ve noticed, to feed myself with thankfulness.

I count his graces and they seem to be endless. Here are some of his graces that I listed today:

  1. Mommy’s emoji’s (always in 3’s).
  2. The “Empire Nissan” bag my daddy gave me that I used yesterday to store hot dogs and buns.
  3. I’m thankful that my job is hard and makes me face hard questions every day.
  4. I’m thankful for His Word and the desire He puts in my heart to discover Him more and more.
  5. I am thankful for the way my boyfriend is patient, forgiving and compassionate. He sees the best in me and others. I see Christ in him and I’m so thankful…

I’m so thankful, but I fall. My conversations with God look a lot different than the thoughts that surface in my brain. You know… the petty, ungrateful, ugly thoughts that creep up. I go from a spirit of thankfulness to ingratitude within minutes. I fall all of the time.

Me to God: “Father, I am so thankful for my health and body that lets me jam out in spin class.” “I’m so thankful for the time I spent with my family. “Lord, I’m so thankful for the people I’ve met that are drawing me closer to You.” 

Me to myself: “I could really use a new pair of stilettos.” “I want to buy a house now.” “Why can’t he solve this for me?” “Ugh, I need a vacation.”

How do I mix the joy of thankfulness with this feeling of disappointment I have in myself when I am ungrateful?

By His grace alone. 

His grace allows me to see that I fall in the first place. His grace forgives me and allows me to forgive myself. His grace makes me try again, and then try another time.

I know who I am and where I’ve been. Before I masked my ambition and greed in a bow and called it “the grind.” But the “grind” was empty because it left me with a heart always wanting more and more… things.

“With the tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in God’s likeness” (James 3:9)

I masked my outbursts in a bow and called it “stress” and said mean things to my mom and sisters because I felt I couldn’t control anything. I just wanted someone to hear me.

I know who I am and where I’ve been. And I know that God is changing my heart. I won’t stop trying to fill my cup with thankfulness.

His grace pours over the fires I start with my ingratitude. I am so thankful.

 

 

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